My (not so) GREEN Life.

So, most people have known me as “that crazy green lady”  or “the tree-hugging hippie”  but, few really know my story. People wonder how I became who I am. Well, I have always held nature close to my heart as I was instilled with the values of the cycle of life from an early age; but my “Green” journey did not really begin until I had an allergic reaction to a contraceptive I took in 2011. 

Upon my purchase, I realized the pill looked completely different.  I called the pharmacy who informed me they had changed distributors and that the ingredients which held the pill together were different, but the rest were the same.  “Just take it, you’’ll be fine”  The pharmacist assured me.  I was not fine.  I took the pill and began experiencing extreme soreness in my breasts (they hurt so bad, I had to ice them down).  My skin became hyper-sensitive, It felt like the entire surface of my skin was a large bruise and my clothes were someone’s thumb pressing as hard as they could.  It hurt to have clothes on, it hurt to sit, it hurt to stand.  I was constantly itchy and a scratch would spread hives across my body.  I tried to lightly brush my nails along my skin to soothe the itch and welts would appear. It looked like I had been whipped with a switch. Everything gave me hives with no relief, scratching resulted in large welts, and I couldn’t stand the scent of things, as they gave me an instant headache. Just one pill did all this. It was Hell. 

The majority of these symptoms stayed for the better part of a year. Some I still have to this day.  Eager to figure out what was activating the hives and to feel better again, I began the process of elimination.  I then learned that I became allergic to ALL of the products I used: shampoo, body wash, detergent, fabric softener, face-wash, make-up, household cleaners, as well as candles and air fresheners.  Even certain foods I ate made my hives worse.   I began to question and research why I was having such a reaction for so long after I had my first incident with the pill.   It wasn't until then that I realized what nasty toxic chemicals are in the products we use everyday.  My immune system was no longer putting up with coming into contact with these substances.  I felt like all of my defenses had been lowered and I was very vulnerable. I have come to know that it takes vulnerability to help you grow as a person in any sense of the word.  This is where my journey began and my passion deepened. 

We all take our immune system for granted.  Our immune systems are actually more resilient than what most people realize.  I could walk into a room hours after a Lysol wipe was used and get an instant headache.  People didn’t understand that those chemicals evaporated into the air and were STILL THERE. It angered me because I had educated myself and found that those toxic chemicals were not necessary to “clean” a space, they actually do more harm than good.    

I had learned about some natural alternatives, the properties of essential oils, and the uses of different plants. I then developed a deeper appreciation for the Earth, for God, and for the natural process of things. EVERYTHING is connected, everything has a PURPOSE.

The more research I did though, the deeper my paranoia (and tremendous anxiety) of substances that were all around me grew.  I wanted to escape anything that was unhealthy for me and the Earth.  I plunged into this “Green” lifestyle and began taking it to the extreme. Eliminating plastics—So they couldn't leach chemicals into my food, my skin, or the air I breathed and in turn, negatively affect my health. This included individually packaged foods, single-use items, and pretty much anything that was meant to be convenient. Grocery shopping, (One of my favorite things to do) became a large task when it had once been fun.  I ended up doing without certain items if they came in plastic packaging.  I would try to make them myself, if I could, regardless of how much time it consumed or how much trial and error it took (*Clears throat* deodorant, toothpaste, and shampoo took a lot of trial and error).  My goal was to use only items derived of natural sources and to eliminate my waste. 

As I lived to be more at one with the Earth, I was also growing spiritually.  I learned how perfect the ecosystems are that God created.  Everything is made to exist in perfect harmony.  We were created with the talent and equipped with the resources to care for all the miracles around us through nature.  If we have a problem, the Earth has the resources for a solution.  I thought about God and everyone’s purpose in life; why He chose to create us THIS way, why He put us on this planet, as well as the reasoning behind the processes He put in place.  It could’ve been different in a million ways but THIS cycle, THESE designs, ARE PERFECT.  Perfect for this planet and this dimension. I would write in my journal and thank Him for the many blessings and miracles He has given us.  I would pray asking him to show me my path.  I had so many different passions, so many ideas about life and what I wanted out of it. I realized through a series of panic attacks about death and coming to terms with reality, (future blog post topic) that ultimately HE is in control, it’s HIS divine guidance that leads my life.  

One night, God spoke to me: “prepare the people for traditional ways”  I asked him, “How?” and I had a flashback of me teaching a younger generation to sew.  Little did I know my mother had bought me a new sewing machine and was about to give it to me.  I began making reusable sandwich bags and sold them to people.  I stopped buying plastic wrap, plastic baggies, and replaced what plastics I did have with alternatives that I made.    

I saw the planet as becoming endangered.  The only way to save it?  Teach people!  Inform them! Do the research for these convenience-required citizens and MAKE THEM CHANGE; This was my mindset.  I wanted people to turn their focus to eco-friendly mannerisms, “traditional ways”, something they would pass on for generations to come.  I felt that if I provided them with the alternatives, they had no choice but to do what I saw as ‘right’.  

“It came to the point where my anxiety for saving the Earth ran so deep I was robbing myself of enjoying life.  I was so caught up in what was ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ I became a judgmental person.” 

At parties I would get upset if they had plastic-ware or styrofoam to eat or drink from.  I would either try to eat what I could with my hands, without a plate, or ask them for real dinnerware then offer to wash it when I finished.  I refused to drink from plastic water bottles; if I forgot my own reusable one, I would let myself thirst for water before I would even touch plastic.  I let the plastic around me infuriate me and create a deep-seated hatred for humankind and what they were doing to the Earth.  I let it run my life and poison my mind.  The good I was trying to do for the Earth just pushed me away from some people.  Others were quick to tell me the one measly little thing they did to “do their part” in their words.  “I recycle when I’m finished” was a big one.  There were a lot of people willing to be conscious of what they had done as a consumer but took little preventative measures as to reduce the amount of waste they were causing.  I was quick to tell everyone what was in the products they were using and why they shouldn’t use them.  I tried to offer alternatives and got upset when people made excuses for their lifestyles.  I used to get frustrated with people wondering why it was so hard for them to take that extra step.  People would say, “I do what I can” and dismiss the issue. 

WHAT? How did humanity get to this point?  

Our knowledge of medicine grew, our life-expectancy and population increased, the demands of nourishment and personal care got higher.  The use of machines took place of jobs for efficiency.  The creativity was booming, giving man more time with less manual labor; more time to eat, more time to think about food, and new products; driving man to mass produce and not to feel guilty about being wasteful.   We have removed ourselves from being one with the Earth and placed ourselves ON IT as if we own it.  The Earth owns US, without it’s resources WE WOULD BE NOTHING.  I steamed with rage thinking about it all and wanted to break down and cry at the same time.  

It came to the point where my anxiety for saving the Earth ran so deep I was robbing myself of enjoying life.  I was so caught up in what was ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ I became a judgmental person. In all reality, it was the lack of education about our products and the extortion of the media and consumerism that took hold of everybody who was just trying to live life.  American culture has become this fast-paced daily schedule and in turn, requiring convenience as not to disrupt the flow. Regulation in favor of the very Earth that gave the resources for these products seemed nonexistent to me.   

I ended up offending people and being a prude because I had serious preferences and I would deprive myself of many things for the sake of trying to do a BIG part to make up for others’ actions.  People would even make jokes “You do enough for all of us so I’m good.”  Talk about infuriating; I bit my tongue on many occasions.  During an argument with me, one person stated that because of ME they didn’t use X,Y,Z in their home.  I was irate with rage.  How could they state it was “my fault”?  If they omitted using products that were horrible for the environment that’s because of their own guilt.  I was NOT the one who personally came in their house and replaced things. 

As I plunged forward with my ambitions, I slowly began to see that I was an offensive person; Yes, I inspired some but, left a bitter taste in others’ mouth.  My goal was to live at one with the Earth as much as I could and I expected everyone to follow suit. I was so passionate about what I believed to be right that I did not see anything from anyone else's point of view.  I had tunnel vision. 

I was young, without a family. I had time, money, and ambition; BIG hopes for a BIG change for an Earth in distress.

I have always been a determined and sometimes maybe stubborn person.  If someone tells me “It can’t be done” or “You’re not supposed to do that” I say, ‘WATCH ME!’ I set out to prove them wrong if it’s something I believed in enough.  This was a characteristic I soon would realize not everyone understood or accepted. 

During all of this, I still battled with unhealthy eating as I have always been a picky eater.  One would think I’d be eating salad’s for every meal and veggies for snacks but THAT’S NOT ME.  I don’t like leafy greens or uncooked veggies.   Everyone would tell me you should do this or that. You should, you should, you should. . .  I didn’t like being told what to do or judged for how I ate (or didn't eat).  Little did I realize, I was doing the same thing to other people. When I informed them of their decisions that wavered from a “Green” lifestyle,   

“Then, it happened… my life began to change forever…” 

I slowly began reverting back to old ways… once in a while, a Little Debbie here… an applesauce cup there… allowing myself a bottle of water when I got thirsty while out and about; cringing when I threw a plastic fork away at the party but allowing myself to say, “It’s ok, it was just this once.”    

Then, it happened… my life began to change forever with the pregnancy of my son Elias.  I was severely sick for 18 weeks (Hyperemesis Gravidarum), extremely nauseous 24/7, vomiting off and on around the clock, barely able to keep liquids down, bedridden.  My stomach felt like I had just eaten a thanksgiving meal and was overstuffed, the only way to subside the nausea? EAT EVERY HOUR as my doctor advised me. Which was the last thing I felt like doing. The most difficult part about it was that I could not eat a few crackers and feel better, it was only full meals that helped. So, in going against everything that was my lifestyle, I began using the microwave to heat TV dinners (IN PLASTIC —AHHH!) They were one of the only things that helped. It really was a lifesaver having the frozen dinners and the microwave because I was so weak.  I had to sit down between walking to the kitchen and getting the meal out of the freezer to gather strength to get it to the microwave.  Being upright made me motion-sick, there was no way I had energy or time to stand over a stove and make a meal from scratch, especially when there was only a 15-20 minute window between me finishing a meal and needing to begin another one to subside nausea.  

Although I was thankful for these conveniences, I beat myself up about wavering from a “Green” lifestyle.  With the pregnancy cravings, if I wanted something that wasn't “a Green option” I tried to justify it.  If I couldn’t, I felt sick with worry about it.  

The forceful need of the all the conveniences I began to use again helped me to slowly accept and appreciate these things in my life I had shunned.  Individually packaged foods were a life saver so I could have a snack on the go when I began to feel better but, still needed to eat frequently.

Someone once told me “you can’t put the weight of the world on your shoulders”  She was right.  It wasn't my sole responsibility to save the entire Earth. My being fraught with worry over the whole thing was unhealthy.  

I had a paradigm shift that lifted a weight off my shoulders when I realized that ULTIMATELY God is in control. In control of everything, our lives, the Earth, and all the beings on it. He has a plan. We can try to prevent all we can but we can never escape our inevitability. Strictly staying away from all plastics and the microwave was not going to keep me from developing health problems if that was supposed to be in my journey. Part of this was inspired by a series of panic attacks about death, lots of meditation, and prayer.  There was something Keanu Reeves once said that validated some of the thoughts going through my head: 

“My friend’s mom has eaten healthy all her life. Never ever consumed alcohol or any “bad” food, exercised every day, very limber, very active, took all supplements suggested by her doctor, never went in the sun without sunscreen and when she did it was for as short a period as possible - so pretty much she protected her health with the utmost that anyone could. She is now 76 and has skin cancer, bone marrow cancer and extreme osteoporosis.

“My friend’s father eats bacon on top of bacon, butter on top of butter, fat on top of fat, never and I mean never exercised, was out in the sun burnt to a crisp every summer, he basically took the approach to live life to his fullest and not as others suggest. He is 81 and the doctors says his health is that of a young person.

People, you cannot hide from your poison. It’s out there and it will find you so in the words of my friend’s still living mother: ” if I would have known my life would end this way I would have lived it more to the fullest enjoying everything I was told not to!”

None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an after thought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else.”  

I realized that living in fear and paranoia was only being detrimental to my health and the health of others around me, it wasn't reversing the damage we had already done to the Earth.  Yes, it is one thing to believe, it is another to practice, and I had become a hypocrite . . . my own worst nightmare, but I slowly became okay with that. 

How can something that makes you happy and is beneficial to your life in some way be all bad?  

Once you've had the convenience of certain things, its hard to go back. Once you know something is also financially easier, it’s difficult to erase that as an option.  

It’s an ongoing battle between what works best for our current lifestyles/budget and what we morally believe to be the best thing for the planet in the long run.  

Someone once said to me, “I don’t want to be one extreme or the other, I want to be right in the middle. I want to be open to everything.”  This was refreshing to hear. I have a tendency to be an extreme person and have difficulty finding a happy medium sometimes.  

So, the process continued: The constant reevaluation of who I was, what I stood for, and what I was able to justify/overlook. I was having difficulty learning to give myself grace, forgiveness for what I saw as “sins of commission” —Decisions I made with knowledge that I could be making better ones.  Another friend who shares my viewpoints on a lot of things surprised me when she made a few choices for her lifestyle that I questioned.  She then explained herself something to this effect: You have to decide what is important and what takes priority in your life.  Sometimes you have to sacrifice.  Look at the whole picture and do what works best for your situation.  That’s when I realized, we all are living different but similar lives simultaneously. 

With each new chapter I enter in my life, I get a deeper understanding of why people make choices the way they do. I gained empathy through this last bend in my journey.  I am giving others grace as well as myself.  I seek to understand more now than I used to.  I know a mother with four children who home-schools (having two in diapers) who chose to end cloth diapering because her priority was her children, not her excess laundry.  She justified having extra time to make memories with her children over being fraught by keeping up with knee-deep dirty diapers. “I want to be a mother who is happy. I don't want my children to remember me being stressed out about the laundry all the time and constantly spending time on that instead of with them.” She said.  

Becoming a mother myself, I live in the reality that there are only a certain amount of hours in a day to accomplish a multitude of tasks and certain things must take priority over others.  Anything that can eliminate “extra jobs” and free up time gets me that much closer to staying on top of things and allows stress-relief.  As I prepare meals for my family, I find it easier to use plastic baggies to get lunches ready for the week or to have purchased foods already in individual serving sizes for on-the-go. I prepare meals ahead in plastic bags and freeze them for quick dinners, these are tremendous life-savers when I have a screaming, hungry, toddler who needs food NOW.  I broke down and used disposable diapers when the flu ravaged my house and dirtied an unthinkable amount of laundry that kept multiplying.  There are so many variables to think about when we make decisions and I have slowly begun to realize that plastic is not the enemy as I once saw it. I am sure many people in the medical field especially would have begged to differ with me. It is in a lot of cases beneficial due to it’s wide range of versatility. 

All the above being said, I STILL DON’T however, support the use of toxic chemical “cleaners” for daily/weekly cleaning. It is understandable that every ONCE in A WHILE a strong chemical cleaner MAY be necessary for certain jobs but there are many other alternatives available for frequent use that are better for the health of all the beings on this Earth.  

This may not change the FACT that these products we consume (in any sense of the word) and dispel, end up in places we don't think about (not biodegrading) and effect the lives of those without voices like we have.  These products are created with limited resources and sometimes in ways that are toxic to the environment and the ecosystems.  Still, they have become a staple in society today. I DO feel like God created everything with a certain amount of adaptability; although we have had an impact on the Earth and the organisms on it, (which has disrupted the purely natural order of things) it was bound to happen.  You cannot place beings with a certain amount of intelligence on a planet and expect them not to create and evolve.  It happened. It’s happening currently and will continue to do so in some way, shape, or form.  Mankind is not perfect, we encounter trials and errors. The challenge we now face as humans is to somehow keep our conveniences, and begin repairing the Earth. Challenges arise so we can evaluate, learn, and overcome them. 

It will take certain people with enough passion and steam behind them to make changes to incorporate function, convenience, and biodegradability into the variables of today’s lifestyles.  The rest of us will do what we can, when we can and that will have to be acceptable.  YES, I care about the state of the planet, YES I care about what we are leaving for our children and YES I still believe things need to change BIG TIME. But aggressively making others feel guilty about the choices they are making is not healthy.  The only ‘RIGHT’ decision you can make is whatever the BEST decision is for you and your family at the time. 

I am making a decision to be less obsessive-compulsive about it to be able to free myself from anxiety; To give grace and empathy not only to myself but to others. I am choosing to utilize the convenience of certain things and spend that extra time with my children rather than a proactive effort worrying about finding new alternatives and changing other people’s habits. I am no longer progressively trying to change/reverse it, pouring all my spare time and money into it.

Let’s face it, we DO want to leave a better world for our children but we also want to send good children into that world.  A person who has been given love and attention will be mentally healthy and will inevitably make the world a better place in some way. I will continue to practice eco-friendly mannerisms and model that we care about the Earth and everything around us.  I will teach our children that it is our responsibility to be advocates for the Earth and everything that exists here.  I will in turn inform them what dilemmas we are in, and challenge them to come up with ideas to help with the change.   

I am okay with being a bit more lax in my not so “Green” life because I have faith that we as humans will get it figured out. We WILL find solutions.  Change happens gradually though.  We can’t get something tangled and expect it to straighten out immediately.  Things take time, “baby steps” is a term that is used a lot but it’s true; just as in nature, progress happens at a relaxed pace, so too will this change.  AS I SAID BEFORE: We were created with the talent and equipped with the resources to care for all the miracles around us through nature.  We can do this, little by little, generation by generation. I believe in us.  

Cited

Dyani, “Keanu Reeves shares 5 incredible pieces of wisdom we all need to hear.” soulspottv.com. December 17, 2015